Redo

How many times in your life have you said something like this... "If only I could go back and do it again knowing what I know now." I've said it, you've said it, but how many times do any of us actually get to do it. From my knowledge not many.

However I like to think I'm an exception to that. Let me explain... I was able to move off and make my own life during my college years. I was young, naive, and I made a lot of mistakes, as we all do. Looking back I don't have many regrets. I was able to learn from all my mistakes, even though they were painful. I grew from the experiences I had and they shaped me as a person. I learned a lot about myself, mostly about what I don't want to do, or be.

There are two points which I regret though. First, I was so busy pushing through school and getting it done that I feel I missed it. While I did do some exploration and I did overall enjoy my college years I feel like I didn't take the time to truly live them. You know, explore, have fun, take random classes just because you can. By the time I graduated I was left feeling like I missed it all. It just kind of passed me by without me realizing it. In the end I didn't really feel like I accomplished anything great.

The second point is more of a life lesson. There were many times during my college years that I allowed the influence and peer-pressure of other people to change me. I found myself giving up things that meant a lot to me. I let my high standards slack a bit. I didn't stand up for myself. No one around me would have noticed the changes, they were so small. But those small changes had a great impact on me personally. It wasn't other people's fault. They had no idea the kind of influence they were having on me. I wasn't strong enough or confident enough in myself to stand firm. I wanted to be liked and accepted. I wanted to have friends and fit in. And so I conformed. This caused me a lot of pain and sorrow in my life because I wasn't being true to who I was. In the middle of college I realized this and made a few changes. I wasn't perfect but I was better. I still struggled with it though all the way until the end though.

So that brings me back to me redo. After college I came home, was really sick, blah, blah, blah, you know the story. Now that I am looking to venture out into the world again it's almost like I am doing it again, only now I know better. The question is what do I do with my redo? How do I use it so that I don't waste this gift?

I have been applying for jobs and graduate programs in the field that I have been working towards for years. A few weeks ago I even interviewed for a few jobs. While I have been given opportunities to move forward in this area I haven't taken them. They haven't seemed right. To be honest it seems like every time I get close to doing something in this area a wall comes up. It's frustrating. It makes me question if I am headed in the right direction. After my job interviews a few weeks ago didn't turn out the way I expected I found myself at another turning point. What do I do now? Do I just get a random job, because that seems like the productive thing to do? Do I push forward with the graduate program even though it doesn't feel like the right thing to do right now? I'll admit, I got a bit down. I was confused, frustrated, and felt trapped.

And then I realized I was doing it again. I was doing exactly what I had done in college. I was trying to push through with what seemed like the most logical plan and in doing so I was missing my opportunity to fully use my redo. Instead of being frustrated about my circumstances, maybe I should look at it as a blessing. I have the opportunity to explore. To decide if I still really want to do what I have been planning on doing this whole time, or it I want to do something completely different. Something that is true to who I am and who I want to become. Who says I need to get a job right now or start graduate school? Maybe I just need to take an exploration vacation! I know some people will say, "she's been home for two years doing nothing, and she wants to take time for herself?" But let's be honest being home sick for two years isn't exactly what I wanted to be doing, so yes, maybe I do need to take time for myself to do things I enjoy doing and to learn more about myself and what I want my life to be.

I don't know exactly what my redo will look like, or where I'll end up. I do know that I am going to be true to myself. I am not going to let others change me or push me into anything. I am going to be confident in who I am and love myself. I am going to find people to be friends with who accept that. I am going to find a path (job, school) that fits me, that makes me happy, and that I enjoy doing. I might end up right where I started, but at least this time I won't regret missing the opportunity.

This week I am going to learn about Organic Farming. Saturday I am taking an all-day class at a local farm to learn about organic farming and gardening practices. Next week I am going to volunteer at an Organic Farm and see what the work is actually like. I am excited about it! I am excited to learn more about something I have been interested in.

Welcome to my redo. Welcome to the new, empowered me!!